Saturday, July 24, 2010

Loneliness

For someone who's moved around as much as I have, it probably seems like I don't ever deal with loneliness from time to time. If anything, that's probably why when I do feel lonely, it feels worst than any other bad feeling I could experience. And it's really funny, because when I look at my life, I have more than enough relatives and a handful of siblings... The only thing that gets me about that, is that there are only a handful (if even that) that I feel I can relate to about life. As far as my elder relatives and mentors have ever gone, pretty much all of them are from a previous generation, so it's hard to really express my sentiments about certain things.

And for me to say that I can't express myself is definitely saying something, because I usually have more than my fair share of words to share on any given subject. On the flip side though, this feeling of loneliness I catch every now and then makes me cherish my closest family and friends all the more. If nothing else, I can count on being able to reach out to them for some sort of consolation when I need it, or a few humbling words to bring me down to earth if I'm thinking I'm the truth or something.

And on a side note, it's helped me in maintaining relationships. I've learned to separate friends from acquaintances, and to not focus on those who might be enemies but focus on those I know are my friends. Also, I've learned that having female friends and just being friends isn't so bad after all. So with all that being said, I'd definitely like to show appreciation to my family and friends who show me love and care. Without them (and obviously God) I don't know where I would be.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

A Sign Of Maturity

Looking at my calendar, it's hard to believe that for a moment, I was watching this summer slowly creep past me. The NBA playoffs were over, all I did was work and sleep on my off days, and I anxiously waited for responses from an organization behind a position I applied for...

And then it happened.

Suddenly, it was like everything was coming to fruition. I got offered a new job, saving up my money was beginning to pay off, and I felt something I hadn't honestly felt in a very long time: Genuine happiness.

I felt happy to say that my Mom was bragging about me to her friends and family. I was happy to know I earned an opportunity to do something I haven't really done in the last four years, which was to live away from home. I even tapped into some of this newly found jubilation and made some beats which I actually liked, which is saying something because I'm my own worse critic.

That's not to say I don't have my melancholy days anymore. I know just today I got my tapeline pushed back by my supposedly reliable barber, and walked as rain steadily got worse and worse to my workplace to pick up my paycheck, practically drenched in rain. But then I looked at my circumstances, and I couldn't trip: I got one more day than I have had in recent weeks, if not months at work, and I had a chance to sit down and eat with a co-worker.

Her name is... Well, I won't put her out there, but we call her J.T. in the kitchen because there's another girl with her same first name. I thought she was cute ever since I met her but I stepped back when she told me she had a boyfriend. (Maybe that's a sign that I'm maturing, or at least know what's good for me. Only God knows...) She had her God-nephew with her, and I can't front, she had a nice outfit on her. It was on point considering the weather, but it still had her unique touch to it.

I bring her up, if nothing else, to just show how far I've come in a sense. Females are a weakness for me, along with kryptonite and my Mom's empanadas. Especially when they're built like her: Nice slim frame, but thick in all the right places, on some disproportionate type stuff. But with her, I've developed a decent friendship, if nothing else, because I really can't get with her like that. So in effect, it's forced me to make myself respect something out of my hands. As a young guy, if that isn't a sign of maturity, what is?